More and more men have been spotted enrolling in mime classes to make up for no longer being able to verbally assault women, our sources confirm. This all began after President-Elect Donald Trump won the presidency ruining Kanye West and Twitter for good.
But that’s beside the point, now men living in large populated cities have become fearful of “speaking their mind,” because apparently strong independent women who demand respect are scary (in all the appropriate ways).
After receiving several fines for catcalling women, our sources have reported that even construction workers are now going to extreme lengths to find more creative ways to let women know they would like to “Beat that p*ssy,” through interpretive song and dance. Yes, you read that right. Interpretive song and dance.
“I had no idea women didn’t like being shouted at,” says construction worker and anonymous catcaller, who we’ll call Ned. “It’s really challenging my entire world view and I am having a hard time. I’m just so depressed.”
Sources also reported the beginnings of a new group called: Cat Callers Anonymous or #CatCallersAnonymous. The purpose of this particular group is to shed light on the very real reality that respecting women is just, to put it bluntly, an inconvenience for some men.
“It’s just not fair,” Ned expressed. “What are we supposed to talk about with our guy friends now?! Feelings? This is an outrage!”
In addition to the group and new hashtag, there are now reports of secret meetings being held on a bi-weekly basis in basements all throughout the United States. These meetings are supposedly serving as a safe space for men to be their true selves without judgement or repercussions.
“When I was 22 years old and hanging with my boys, I shouted my first catcall. It made me feel so free and so alive. Now, I don’t know what’s real anymore,” said John Smith, another active catcaller, who we didn’t bother giving a more creative anonymous name. “The first time a woman slapped me for shouting out at her, I thought, ‘wow, I’m terrified.’ Where have my rights gone? It’s time to organize.”
Another man told sources that he’s questioning where he went wrong. “I thought this was normal and I thought this was acceptable, I can’t pinpoint where or how this shift occurred or why I’m the enemy all of a sudden. All I know is that I am in counseling now.” He pauses. “I’m also learning this all may be related to my daddy issues. ”
In the end, I really did try to keep an open mind when speaking to these men. I knew I had to do more to understand. So I did what I’m used to doing on a daily basis: I swallowed my pride, put on a mustache, and snuck into a members only #CatCallersAnonymous meeting in a sketchy church basement.
Upon arriving, you must present a password to the bouncer at the door (password: My junk is as big as they said it is).
“This is our time and we must organize,” shouted, yes you guessed it, fucking Ned. “Guys, we need to organize! Any input would be great!” But all he got were blank faces and lots of questions.
“How do we organize?” Asked one man. “Where do organize” asked another. “I thought there would be snacks here.” Declared a guy who looked a lot like my ex-boyfriend. Ned paused for many moments before saying, “I’m not sure.” After another lengthy pause, he said, “I’ll ask my Wife. Why don’t we take a solid ten and I’ll call her. “
During the break we all sat around in an awkward silence. I took the time to observe these “men” in their natural habitats. And what I noticed most were the obscene amount of bodily sounds, the need to say “No homo” at the end of every sentence, and how one guy claimed he had tons of bitches, though I suspect he was referring to the cute dogs on his iPhone screen saver. Surprisingly, most of the men only chose to discuss the peripheral contents of the meeting saying they were “disappointed they don’t have any snacks here.”
In conclusion, I am happy to report that zero snacks were consumed during this meeting because they forgot to get them because these men were all hot messes.