How to Tell Which of Your Identities Someone Currently Hates

i.e. Photo by Tolu Bamwo from

You’re at dinner or at the club with friends. You’re laughing and having a good time. Suddenly someone approaches you, sneers, and quietly mutters,

“What are you people doing here? We don’t want your kind here!”

You blush and smile. You want to respond to the statement, but wait! You suddenly realize that you’re not quite sure what they meant by “you people” or “your kind”. Is it because you’re a person of color? Is it because you’re trans? Bewildered, you turn to your friends but they look just as confused as you. The random stranger looks you up and down now and you don’t want to seem rude by not responding. You also don’t want to hurt this person’s feelings by misunderstanding what they meant because they clearly took the time to think up what they had to say and bravely and boldly told you. But what do you do now?

Lucky for you we’ve developed a patent-pending method to discover exactly which of your identities someone is currently offended by, all explained in 5 easy breezy steps:

1) Look at them closely in the eye, and see if they can hold eye contact for more than 5 seconds.

2) If they can’t then it’s clearly racism because we all know white people can’t look at a person of color in the eye for too long since they can’t stand any variation to their pale white European scenery, just like they can’t stand variation with their food. Otherwise, all that ethnicity gives them hives.

3) If they can hold eye contact with you, then look and see if their hand twitches while you’re looking at them.

4) If it does, then they obviously hate you for being trans. Everyone knows that nothing makes cis people more irrationally angry for no reason than someone being trans. So their hands often twitch in the presence of a trans person as their brains prepare motor plans for a hate crime. Or masturbation. Because in addition, nothing gets cis people hot and horny like fetishizing trans folks. Or senseless violence.

5) If their hands aren’t twitching, then it’s probably because you people just always have to be selfish, lazy, and reliant on the welfare state which gives you all these marginalized identities and they hate you for something else such as having a disability or being poor.

But wait there’s more! Call us now at 1-800-HATE-YOU and you won’t just have random strangers in public harass you. Now you can even have strangers on the phone tell you how delusional and disgusting you are, because it doesn’t matter that your lived experience has shown you plainly that different types of racialized queer and transphobic violence exist. Nor does it matter that you can’t “separate” your identities and that intersectionality matters in your everyday life. Your word processor doesn’t even recognize intersectionality or transphobia as “real” words. And obviously, that makes us right.

Note: No trans people of color were harmed in the making of this guide. Except by bigots, who do this shit on the daily.

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