If Josie and the Pussycats Ended Correctly
We all know that Josie and the Pussycats is a classic film—a criminally underrated classic film that deserves a spot in the cult canon. But the fates just won’t let it happen.
There are plenty of reasons why films don’t make it into the cult canon proper. Wrong marketing, wrong time, wrong audience, etc.. But I think that there is one key thing that robbed Josie and the Pussycats of cult status: Josie and Val should have been love interests.
“Why do you have to make everything gay?” You may cry.
“There’s no indication of any sexual relationship between Josie and Val,” you may assert.
However, I think you will find, after reading these corrections, that it all adds up. Observe.
We spend way less time with De Jour. Because who cares.
When the Pussycats are signed and make their vow of friendship on the private plane, Josie is sitting in Val’s lap. While she’s there in that magical almost storybook moment, she looks down at her friend and feels something new:
The two share a look and then Josie awkwardly gets up. Melody looks on, knowingly.
After The Pussycats are rebranded Josie and the Pussycats Val tells Josie directly that she thinks something is wrong. It’s front and center and obvious. Josie then goes to Alan M to get his take, which angers Val.
When Alan M encourages Josie to be optimistic, she returns to Val reassured about what they’re doing. Val is reluctantly placated, but she takes the moment to ask Josie why she invited Alan M along with them in the first place. Josie struggles to give her an answer.
Val impulsively kisses Josie. Josie receives the kiss, but then pulls away and runs off.
Josie tells Alan about the kiss and he loses it, revealing himself to be the entitled floppy haired white boy with an acoustic guitar douche he so obviously was. Josie, shocked by this revelation of his character, consults an unlikely person: Melody.
Melody reveals that she always knew there something between Josie and Val, and she had just been waiting for the two of them to figure it out on their own. Then hands Josie a picture of two cats holding hands under a heart sun. Josie-Cat and Val-Cat.
Val overhears Wyatt talking to Fiona about their evil plan to brainwash teenagers. She goes to tell Josie what she’s learned, but Josie mistakes Val’s real concern for the band as an outburst about her feelings for Josie.
Josie assures Val that she understands how she’s feeling and hugs her.
The two are spotted by the paparazzi and get chased down. They share a mutual, steamy kiss. Someone snaps a picture.
All over the world queer Josie and the Pussycats fans start coming out.
The United States Military calls a meeting with Fiona. They tell her they’re shutting down the operation and confiscating all her equipment for using the Pussycats music to “transmit gay messages” to the teenagers of the world.
Fiona and Wyatt both lose their jobs and MegaRecords is shut down. They still get together. Off-screen. Where that hook-up belongs.
They eventually remake their fortune by writing a series of YA books about two nerds overthrowing the popular kids. It’s badly written, but teenagers buy it anyway.
Alexander comes out. It’s adorable. Yay, Alexander!
Alan M sees the photo of Josie and Val kissing and falls into the arms of Alexandra. It’s gross and no one cares.
Josie, Val and Melody have a pity party because MegaRecords is no longer a thing, which means their career is on hold until they get signed by another label. Though they’re sad, they rekindle their friendship and the girls bond.
That night Josie and Val consummate their relationship.
In the morning Mel walks in on them. She gives them both a hug. It’s cute and awkward.
The band gets a call from Le Tigre. After playing as their opening act for a while, they get signed to Mr. Lady records as The Pussycats. They go down in history with bands like Sleater-Kinney and Bratmobile among feminist ladies and queers everywhere. It’s beautiful.
When marriage equality becomes legal, Josie and Val get married. Val wears a suit. Josie wears a leopard print dress. There’s not a dry eye in the house.