QUNTY Halloween Special Presents: The Craft REDUX


The Craft is that one alt-film that every lady and queer person seems to love. And by alt, I mean that it’s a movie starring women that has nothing to do with love. Can you believe it? A story about women that doesn’t involve love?! Why, what other stories for women are there? What else do they do?


Speaking of men, The Craft was directed by one. And written by two.

“But it’s totally a movie for women, guys! Don’t worry. Men GET IT. They really do. We can trust them to tell are stories! We really can!” you exclaim.

No, we really can’t.

“But, wait. I’ve read these pieces before. You’re going to put in a love story! How are you any better than those shitty male writers you’re making fun of?!”

I just am.

Correction #1

Originally, Nancy doesn’t want Sarah to join the coven because she has a crush on her. She had enough to deal with without burgeoning lesbian attraction on her hands. She’s rude to Sarah to keep her crush at a distance. Nothing gets in the way of ultimate power like love.

Correction #2

Bonnie and Rochelle are dating. Laura catches them making out one day in the girl’s bathroom and it sends her into a jealous rage. Since then, she’s been lashing out at Rochelle for taking her lady love by being an over-the-top racist garbage monster.

Laura’s Inner Monologue: How could she not want me? I’m pretty and blonde and petite and white and EVERYONE MUST CHOOSE ME EVERY TIME OR I SHALL GET MY REVENGE.

Correction #3

When Nancy sees the object of her affection, Sarah, going after a guy who used and left her hanging (Chris), a deeply confused resentment begins to bubble inside her. So she helps Sarah cast a love spell on Chris, knowing how awful it will turn out.

Correction #4

When Bonnie casts the spell that removes her scars, she starts cheating on Rochelle.

Rochelle, ever the stoic, takes it in stride. And takes out all her anger on racist Laura.

Correction #5

Nancy calls out Sarah for playing innocent after the love spell messes up Chris. She points out that Sarah barely knows this guy and she’s 1996  ROBIN TUNNEY AND HAS NO TROUBLE ATTRACTING BOYS THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

They have a fight. And then angry make out.

Correction #6

The death of Nancy’s stepfather causes a rift between her and Sarah. One night Nancy kicks Sarah out of bed for suggesting that they should maybe feel bad their magic has started killing people.

Correction #7

Sarah meets Chris at a place. She does not ride in his car. She understands how stupid that is and gets a ride from Nancy. They argue the whole way there, but she gets a ride from Nancy.

(Because that rape scene was unnecessary and this queer lady writer will not condone it.)

Correction #8

When Chris gets rape-y Sarah runs out of the location they met at separately and finds Nancy is still in the parking lot. She drives Sarah home.

During the ride, Nancy keeps talking about making Chris pay. Sarah tells her to do nothing.

Correction #9

The party scene is amazing. Not touching it.

(hears the keys of men’s computers clicking)

LOOK, she is crossing the Moral Event Horizon here. It actually makes sense for the story. If you have an issue with this scene, you better have an issue with all the “powerful” scenes of women being sexually assaulted on film, or you can hush. At least it makes sense within the plot. And characters. And it actually affects the story. Unlike some other bullshit.

Don’t make me bring up Game of Thrones.

Correction #10

Sarah doesn’t leave town after the final battle. She decides to become a powerful good witch, and stays in town. She gets Bonnie and Rochelle in line and teaches them not to be total assholes to everyone and each other. She rules the school with an iron fist.

Correction #11

There is a TV series based on The Craft which the continuing adventures of Supreme Good Witch Sarah and her new coven as she battles evil forces and has a string of queer relationships.

Nancy is released from the institution later on and becomes the show’s Big Bad.

Correction #12

Charmed is never created.


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